How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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