2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
