Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
