I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
