You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
