Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
