If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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