You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
