My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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