nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
