You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
