so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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