He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
