so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
