he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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