I am full of burrito and curiosity
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
