i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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