I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
