I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
3pm strippers are depressing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
