just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
