1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Pants 0. Shit 1.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
