My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
