I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
