Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
