fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
