I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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