we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
