38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
