Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
