There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
