the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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