I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
love makes seman taste better
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
