Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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