He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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