mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
