last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
