I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
