Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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