i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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