hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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