i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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