So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
