Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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