Your face is a jimmy john
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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