That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
