remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
