you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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