Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
