Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
