It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
